Spoonie Essentials

I Am a Spoonie

I’ve been thinking for a while about collating a list of “Spoonie Essentials” or things that make life as a spoonie a little bit easier. Different things work for different people and there isn’t a one size fits all when it comes to chronic illnesses, but these are the things have have helped me, given me comfort or made my life a little bit easier.

Books

  1. Hyperbole and a Half – Allie Brosh
  2. The Truth Pixie – Matt Haig
  3. Living With the Enemy – Ray Owen
  4. The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse – Charlie Mackesy
  5. Miranda’s Daily Dose of Such Fun – Miranda Hart

TV/Film

  1. Five Feet Apart
  2. Brain on Fire
  3. Atypical
  4. Groundhog Day
  5. We Are Visible

Podcasts

  1. Sickboy
  2. This Is Not What I Ordered
  3. Chronic But Ironic
  4. Feminists Don’t Wear Pink (Scarlett Curtis)
  5. Shagged, Married, Annoyed (Rosie and Chris Ramsay)

YouTube

  1. Amy’s Life/Amy Lee Fisher
  2. Life With Stripes
  3. Georgina’s Journey
  4. Chronically Jenni
  5. Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Health Care Esstentials

  1. Dry shampoo (Batiste or Colab Dry Shampoo)
  2. Body Shop Almond Milk Body Yogurt
  3. Au Lait | Scottish Fine Soaps – Body Butter
  4. Boots Tea Tree & Witch Hazel Exfoliating Face Scrub
  5. Amie Petal Perfect – Cleansing Micellar Water

Snug as a Bug

  1. Weighted blanket
  2. Hot water bottle
  3. Heated blanket
  4. Wheat Pack
  5. good pillow (I have a V pillow and a memory foam pillow)

Odds and Sods

  1. Large medication box
  2. A support system (friends, family, health care professionals, people who just get it)
  3. Technology to keep connected to the outside world
  4. A bag – fashionable but sensible. Mine is similar to this
  5. Mobility aids (crutches, wheelchair, cane, walkers etc)
spoonie-error-square1
Spoonie Authors Network

NB – If you aren’t familiar with the Spoonie Theory, click here

How I Survived Lockdown

c5912582950c0186a1fc30b74387836cI found out yesterday that I will be returning to work on Monday (15th June), after 13 weeks of isolationa/shielding. I started shielding a week before I was medically told that I needed to and I was incredibly lucky that my employers were understanding – I think being honest about my health from the start helped. But they didn’t complain or make me feel bad, in fact they went out of their way to reassure me that things would be okay and that it wasn’t causing huge issues. Despite that, I felt incredibly guilty for leaving them in the lurch. I was also bloody angry that yet again, my health was dictating what I could and could not do.

Rewind to this time two years ago, I wasn’t working, due to my worsening health. I was very isolated and rarely left the house, unless it was for medical appointments. I can’t deny that part of my anger stemmed from the fact that I had spend over two years effectively in isolation due to being so poorly that I couldn’t properly partake in society, and now I was facing months of yet again being stuck at home, unable to work, unable to see friends and family and losing my independence that I had worked so hard to regain. 

0_Screen-Shot-2020-03-26-at-133239-copy

That said, I have coped remarkably well with isolation. I think that living with chronic and mental illnesses kind of prepare you for not being part of society for long periods of time. When you have a chronic illnesses, the chances are that you spend weeks/months/years at home, often unable to leave your bed. The world carries on, outside your windows, but you aren’t part of it. Whilst I had moments of feeling a bit penned in, lockdown didn’t really bother me that much because it was a lifestyle that I was used to. Having mental illnesses also prepared me, in part, for the madness that is covid-19. I have anxiety and can easily catastrophise about the world ending and going through endless what ifs. On so many occasions, I have convinced myself that the absolute worst was going to happen, so when the world imploded and shut down, it wasn’t actually as bad as I had built it up to be in my mind. Every day I panic about the people I love dying, and suddenly that became a very real threat. But that threat felt normal for me, so whilst other people were panicking about loved ones getting ill and dying, I basically sat back and thought “this is my normal, this is okay.” Having an excuse to be anxious and not being viewed like I was being dramatic or overreacting was quite a nice break. I felt like saying “welcome to my daily life. Exhausting right?” I wasn’t having to constantly explain my irrational thoughts, because suddenly they weren’t irrational. 

That said, I did make a conscious effort to try and look after myself during lockdown. Mentally, things were a bit wobbly towards the beginning (nothing to do with covid) and I quickly realised that it was unlikely that I would get any additional support because, put simply, it wasn’t there any more, as everything had shut down. It was a bit of a sink or swim moment, and I had spent so much time sinking, that I figured that trying to swim was worth a try. 

So how did I survive lockdown without relapsing and becoming very unwell?

Sticking to a routining has been really important. I’m not going to pretend that I was up and dressed by 8am every single morning, like I would if I was at work. That would be a lie. But I have tried to wake up by 10ish (unless I felt ill) and then get up. I could happily live in pyjamas but I made sure that I could dressed every day because I will admit, I mentally feel better if I have made the effort to look presentable. I tend to put aside some time every day to exercise in some form, do some of the endless medical and adult admin that seems to have accumulated over the past few months and I have done a lot of reading. I kept meaning to write down all the books that I have read during lockdown because it’s a pretty impressive selection. Even though I haven’t been able to go out-out, I have spent time in the garden and actually developed a bit of a tan. I know, mad. 

On the days when the weather hasn’t been so good, or when my body has been rebelling, Netflix has been fantastic, as has Amazon Prime. I have had the time to discover so many new series over the past few months, including Dead to Me, The Good Fight, Alex Rider, Chernobyl and Little Fires Everywhere. 

Weirdly, during lockdown, I have felt more connected than I have done in ages. I am so grateful to my friends who have been at the end of a video call a couple of times every week. Even though no one has been doing anything particularly exciting, just spending time in their company has been really nice and it’s left me feeling a lot closer to them. I also have send more letters and happy post to friends, because receiving something other than a bill or medical letter makes a change from the norm.

Being kind to myself has been really important. We are living in unprecedented times so doing little things to try and keep myself happy, sane and healthy has been a priority. This ranges from using a hair mask once a week to try and save my hair when I can’t see my hairdresser, to making a conscious effort to try and eat well. I’ve tried to exercise most days and have also been doing sudoko and other brain training games. I don’t for one moment that it will improve my brain skills or intelligence, but I want to keep mentally active, as well as physically active.

As life slowly begins to return back to normal, spare a thought for those people whose life won’t be drastically changing and will instead be remaining at home and isolated from their friends, family and society. Millions and millions or people are silently missing, please don’t forget them.

Dating and Chronic Illness

I am single. Happily single most of the time, however that’s not to say that I don’t date and I haven’t been in relationships. I do date and I have been in relationships, just right now, I am single, a cat lady and I love to starfish in my bed.

If you had asked me as a teenager, I should be married by now and well on the way to the 2.4 children that is the average. Life had different ideas for me and I feel mixed about that. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship: I have profiles on two online dating apps and I have been speed dating (that was an experience in itself!) but I am aware that I come with additional baggage and that can be a lot for someone else to take on. There are days when it feels like I haven’t come to terms with having long term illnesses, so how can I expect someone else to take that on as well?

Honestly, my experiences of dating with a chronic illness have been mixed. Trying to decide when to tell someone about the various chronic illnesses that I have is hard. Telling them too soon and they are likely to freak out, tell them too late and they are likely to be annoyed that you didn’t say something sooner.

I had a pretty bad experience with someone I met through an online dating app, I made the decision not to say anything about my health but I constantly felt like I was deceiving him. Things were going really well, but it got to the point that I had to tell him that I wasn’t well. I had just been offered my dream job but had to turn it down due to worsening health issues and obviously he asked questions about why I wasn’t in work. I explained that I had long term health conditions and because of that, I was in hospital a lot and not able to currently work. In an instant, it was clear that he had lost interest but also very clear that he didn’t really understand when he said “but you look fine?” Date night came to a rapid end and I never heard from him again. I’m not going to pretend that I was heartbroken, I wasn’t, but I was hurt, mainly because I expected better than that reaction. I had hoped that given he had got to know the “real” me, he wouldn’t be completely freaked out by what I said. How wrong I was. It hurt because it made me feel unloveable, a feeling that I have now experienced one too many times.

1184f73e8e6c9418baeae085613fe714

Learning from that experience, I decided to be honest earlier on in getting to know someone. And that didn’t go well either. I tend to start with the caveat similar to “this is a lot to take on, so I’m telling you now so that you have the choice to leave before we get to know each other better.” I don’t know if it’s the right thing to say, but it’s kind of giving them permission to run away and not feel like a dick about it. I get hurt, but hey, at least I’ve spared their feelings! On one occasion, I was asked numerous questions and felt like I was being interrogated. Then there was the radio silence, never to be heard from again. On another occasion I was told that it wasn’t going to work because he didn’t want to be with someone who would break during sex. For clarity, I do not “break” during sex. Another time, they had the decency to carry on talking to me for about ten minutes before disappearing into the abyss, never to be heard from again.

And I get it. It is a lot to take on. Quite often people can’t see beyond the illness or understand that if you take away all the health conditions, I am still a normal woman in her twenties, eventually wanting to settle down and think about having a family. Whilst I might joke and say that they weren’t the one, that doesn’t take away the hurt. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I feel undeserving of love because it’s too much for someone else to take on. It doesn’t take away from the fact that being loved for how I am is too much for the majority of people to take on. So yet again, I am left with having to pick myself up. I leave it for a while before dipping my toe back into dating, telling myself that this time, it will be different. I’m yet to have an experience that is different. I’m yet to meet someone who is fine with the fact that I’m a bit wonky and my body does weird things, but is prepared to love me for that. As well as feeling unloveable, I feel faulty. Like, can I return to sender and get a working body please? One that doesn’t freak people out.

Who knows, maybe in a year from now, I’ll look back at this blog post and smile because I am happy and in a relationship. Or I might still be psyching myself up to dip my toe back into the dating pond.

I don’t think there is a clear cut answer on how to address chronic illnesses when it comes to dating. I’m sure there are good people out there who understand, I’m just yet to find them.