Universal Credit Saga – A Year On

So it’s been one whole year since I was signed off work and started the sole destroying task of applying for Universal Credit. If you’re a long term reader, you might remember my Open Letter to Theresa May, I was really reluctant to apply. I never thought that I would be in the position where I needed to apply for benefits and honestly, I felt a level of shame over applying. My usually proud front was shattered by admitting that I needed this financial help, but my health comes first. That was what I told myself.

And my God, was my front shattered. I had opened up about my health in a way that I never had before. I was begging strangers to take pity on me, in the hope that the application process might be made a little bit easier. Only, they didn’t take pity on me. Honestly, I felt a bit like a criminal. I was warned about sanctions if I couldn’t attend appointments if I was ill. Let’s remember at this point, that the whole reason that I was applying was because of how unwell I was and still am. I was asked when I was going to get better, because the government doesn’t seem to understand the concept of chronic or life long conditions.

I felt and still feel like a failure because I can’t work. I feel ashamed that I am ill, even though now, a year one, I am able to accept that life’s a bitch and doesn’t always go the way you want it to.

Anyway, after the initial stress of the first few months of the application, things calmed down a little. I had my work capability assessment and thankfully, the person leading the assessment had an ounce of common sense and agreed that I wasn’t fit to work. That was until. October, when my payments were stopped for no reason. I have real anxiety issues about going into the job centre because of the bad experiences that I’ve had there, but nonetheless, in I went to find out what had happened. I explained, very calmly, to the work coach that my payment hadn’t gone in and as a result, I was overdrawn. I kid you not, the work coach shrugged in reply and told me that “these things happen”. There have been admin issues over the past few weeks, which has meant that not all payments have gone out on time. Admin errors happen, what I am more frustrated about has been the sheer lack of communication, so I had no idea that this was the case.

I told the work coach, again, that I was overdrawn as a result of the payment not going on and was told that I would benefit from seeking advice from the Money Advice Service. The Money Advice Service is an organisation established with cross Government party support, that provides free and impartial advice on money and financial decisions to people in the United Kingdom. It is a really useful service, but not a service that I required at this time, because when my payments go in, I am very able at managing my own money. It’s very hard, however, to manage your money when you’re not receiving the money in the first place.

This leads me to now. I think maybe that I had become a little bit complacent when it came to Universal Credit: nothing has happened to offend me in a few months and I thought that things would remain that way. I went into the job centre to hand in my latest fit note and was told that my payments had been stopped and that I was being sanctioned.

 

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I cried. A lot. The past month has been awful, I’ve been really unwell (more than normal) and the last thing I needed was finding out that my financial security was at risk. The person I saw at the job centre wasn’t able to reinstate my payments and was only able to tell me that it looked like I’d missed a phone call. I rang the Performance Centre and was told that my payments had been stopped because I’d missed a review phone call. Yes, I had missed a phone call, but I had also notified them that I was in hospital at the time of the phone call and therefore unable to take the call, and please could it be rearranged.

I then had to wait a week for the actual review phone call. There was me thinking that it would be to ask me if there had been any changes to my health etc but no, they wanted to know if I was still single (as a pringle, for what it’s worth) and if I had any savings or investments. My favourite part was when they asked me if I was receiving a World War Two pension. Dude, I wasn’t even alive then…

Whilst none of this is especially dramatic, it really knocked me. There isn’t one single aspect of Universal Credit that is easy to understand or logical. It baffles me that they have such poor customer service skills, when they are dealing with some of the most vulnerable people in society. There have been so many occasions over the past year when the process of Universal Credit has made me more unwell than I was already. It really seems like the government will jump upon the smallest thing as a reason to stop payments.

Until that changes, people will still be failed. They will still be struggling to pay rent and afford food. They will still feel penalised for being unwell and genuinely unable to work and I’m ashamed to live in a country whereby the government think that is okay.

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January Favourites

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January is a funny month, it’s technically not any longer than any other month in the year but it seems to go on forever. I have months which are jammed packed with hospital appointments and this month has been one of those months. Aside from all the appointments, I’ve been hibernating under my duvet, making my way through all my pyjamas, because who wants to wear proper clothes in January?

Onto to things that I’ve been enjoying this month…

Books

All month, I’ve been excited about the release of Kick The Moon by Muhammad Khan. I pre-ordered this book towards the end of last year and it did not disappoint. I loved Khan’s first book I Am Thunder, so much so that it made its way into my 2018 favourites blog post. Kick The Moon is funny, powerful and relatable and is all about making and breaking friendships and cross cultural friendships and the stigma surrounding them. This book possibly wasn’t as stand out as I Am Thunder but still very much worth reading if you’re at all interested in British-Muslim cultures and the stereotypes surrounding it.

Another book which I’ve really enjoyed this month is Killer T by Rober Muchamore. This book follows two teenagers, whose lives are shaped by a society that’s shifting around them. One is a lonely Brit in his first term at a Las Vegas high school, the other is an unlikely friend, who gets accused of mixing a batch of explosives that blew up a football player. The two of them are drawn together at a time when gene editing technology is starting to explode. With a lab in the garage anyone can beat cancer, enhance their brain to pass exams, or tweak a few genes for that year-round tan and perfect beach body. However, in the wrong hands gene editing can become one of the most deadly weapons in history.  Killer T is a synthetic virus with a ninety per-cent mortality rate, and the terrorists who created it want a billion dollars before they’ll release a vaccine. This book was a real page turner. As a teenager, I loved Muchamore’s Cherub series and whilst this book is way more dystopian than the Cherub series, I still loved it.

That’s Not What Happened by Kody Keplinger has also made my hit list for this month. I ended up picking this book up in Belfast airport, whilst waiting for my delayed flight back home. There’s not much in Belfast airport so before starting to read it, I was ready to spoon by own eyeballs out with boredom. I was a bit sceptical about reading this book and wasn’t sure if it was going to sit comfortably with me. It’s based in a high school in the USA which has experienced a mass shooting and it explores the truth behind what actually happened and I wasn’t sure about how I felt reading a book which is so close to the reality of what has happened in a number of schools in the US. However, it was sensitively written and in no way glamourises the use of guns within the country. I would really recommend reading it.

As well as That’s Not What Happened, I also read Run by Kody Keplinger . Another story about the ferocity of friendship and the risks we’ll take to save our friends as well as ourselves. Run is an #OwnVoices novel with a legally-blind main character but also looks at sexuality. I loved that the main theme was on the strong bond between the two main female characters, and how their friendship comes to mean the world to each of them. Whilst there is a blind character and another character who is bisexual, this is normalised within the storyline by not heavily focusing on it.

 

Films and TV

People who know me well will know that Richard Hammond was my first love and that I will always love him a little bit too much. I refuse to watch the new Top Gear on the grounds that no one will ever be able to replicate the banter between James May, Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson. The only reason that I ended up subscribing to Amazon Prime was so that I could watch The Grand Tour. I was a little disappointed by series one and two, however series three (so far) is much more like the old school Top Gear that I miss and love.

One of the best things about a new year means that it is the start of a new series of Silent Witness. Nothing beats curling up in bed watching people get murdered and then finding how how they got killed and who killed them. Something that has stood out in this series is how they are relating it to real life situations, such as the rise of attacks against trans people and drug country lines. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored of watching Silent Witness.

It kind of feels like I’ve been a little bit obsessed with Kody Keplinger this month. I ended up watching The DUFF, before realising that it was based upon the book by Keplinger, of the same name. Compared to other work by Keplinger, the storyline in The DUFF wasn’t as strong and was very much a chick-flick, with a boy saves girl thing going on. It was a good film, highlighting cyber bullying in schools and tries to celebrate individuality, but it didn’t require much concentration or effort to watch.

 

Odds and Sods

This month, I went to stay with a friend for a weekend. When there, we visited Virginia Water and it’s honestly one of the prettiest places that I’ve ever been to. It was very cold when we went, so we were both close to contracting mild hypothermia but the views were worth it. Plus, there were many cute dogs.

An exciting update from the Spoonie Village this month has been the launch of SpoonieVillage.com. Hayley, with the help of partner Tom, has created an online space for people with chronic illnesses, including a blog with regular updates, a forum and a one stop shop for all the spoonie essentials. I would really recommend checking it out and giving Hayley and Tom some love because they have worked so hard in created a safe space online for people.

 

 

 

Self Love in 2019

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Image from Hayley at Spoonie Village

I’ve made no secret about the fact that 2018 was a pretty rubbish year for me. I entered the year unwell and was diagnosed with gastroparesis and Addison’s Disease, as well as my body having the usual EDS related wobbles and issues. The idea of making resolutions at the start of the year is a bit of an alien concept to me, I’ve never really done it because I never saw the point. If I want to do something, I’ll do it and I won’t wait until a new year to make changes.

So why I decided to make resolutions at the start of 2018 I do not know. Realising that I had failed with two thirds of my resolutions made me feel miserable. Okay so I managed to read at least 52 books over the year but I didn’t buy my own house and I didn’t make progress with my new job because I had to turn said job down because I wasn’t well enough to work. Honestly, I feel like I’ve failed as a person, not just failed at resolutions.

I’ve learnt an important lesson here. You have absolutely no idea what is ahead of you in life. Things happen, both good and bad. Whilst I talk about the negatives about 2018, I need to remember that there were good parts and I learnt a lot thanks to the bad times. I made some incredible friends over the year, visited new places, won against the broken universal credit system and most importantly, I survived. And I read a lot of books.

As well as learning the important lesson of not being able to predict the future, I’ve also learnt that really, the only thing that I need to do is to be kinder to myself. I still have aims and ambitions, but they don’t matter as much as I thought they did. There’s literally zero point in beating myself up for things that are out of my control. No one asks to be unwell and we all face our own struggles in life.

My aims for 2019 are varied. First and foremost, I want to have a better understanding over the illnesses that I have. I’m still learning what I can and can’t do, so naturally I make mistakes. I want to be as physically fit and healthy as possible: I know that I experience fewer EDS symptoms when I exercise, so when possible I’d like to go swimming, go for walks and do strengthening exercises at home. I’m never going to run a marathon but by the end of the year, I’d like to be able to comfortably run 5km. Running isn’t something that comes naturally to me. In fact, I hate it. I would use any excuse under the sun to avoid cross country at school and I fail to understand why people run for fun. But I still want to be able to test and push my body; running 5km isn’t a challenge for some people but it will be for me.

I’d also like to write more over the coming year. I was incredibly lucky to have some amazing writing opportunities last year and I’d like to put together a mini portfolio of what I’ve written about and how I have written for. Writing opportunities are hard to find, especially when you’re freelance so I need to make a real effort in getting out there and finding them, instead of waiting for them to come to me.

As well as hopefully doing more freelance writing, I think that I’d like to write a book. People have been saying to me for a long time that I should use my experiences and write a book, but fear and impostor syndrome has put me off. By publicly saying that I think that this year is the time to actually start putting pen to paper (or fingers to keypad) I’ll be held accountable and can’t hide away from something that I would potentially be good at. If nothing else, I should probably try and utilise my linguistics degree.

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Finally, I would like to develop and stick to a more structured routine. I know that being out of a routine and having endless amounts of free time is really bad for my mental health, although I’ve coped miraculously well not working. Having something planned every day simply isn’t realistic for me at the moment, but I would like to try and implement leaving the house every other day, even if it’s just for a short walk and getting some fresh air. The nature of being unwell means that I need a lot of sleep however I want to be stricter with myself and try and sleep less during the day, unless it’s absolutely necessary, and use other rooms in the house more and keep my room for sleeping. The temptation of going up to my room to watch a film and then drifting off to sleep is strong and it’s a habit that I need to break.

If I stick to and achieve these goals then that’s great. If not, that’s okay. Life is an unpredictable bastard and I’m not going to be hung up over ambitions not being achieved when life is kicking me down!

Things I’ve Learnt: 2018 Edition

I’m not exaggerating when I say that 2018 has been really tough year. I went into the year high on the news that I have been offered my dream job and my main aim for the year was to buy my own house and live independently. The reality has been very different. By the end of January it was becoming clear that I was very unwell, meaning that I had to turn down my dream job because I simply was not well enough to even get out of bed, let alone work in social services. With my sudden unemployment, I was forced to take on the benefits system, which was utterly soul destroying. My dreams were shattered further when I realised that not only was I too unwell to move out, I also couldn’t afford it.

 

  1. I know my body better than anyone. The NHS is fantastic and I wouldn’t be alive without it, but the nature of living with rare conditions and being medically complex means that I need to advocate for myself and education medical professionals, because very often, they aren’t taught about the conditions I have.
  2. I have got to fight, even on the days when I’ve lost all hope. Don’t get me wrong, there have been days when all I’ve wanted to do is hide in bed and that is okay. But things won’t ever move forward if I don’t speak up and demand the treatment that I need.
  3. Friendship is a two way thing. Toxic friendships aren’t helpful and I’m better off without some people, as painful as that is.
  4. Not everyone will understand. The nature of invisible illness is that you can’t see it. A lot of the time, I look pretty healthy but that doesn’t mean I am well. People often say that I look well and therefore assume that I’m better or cured. Unfortunately, I’m never going to be cured and just because you can’t see what’s going on inside my body or the amount of pain I’m in, it doesn’t mean that I’m well. Over the years I’ve been given well-meaning, but quite frankly stupid advice about how to make myself better, ranging from eating quinoa, to drinking beer, to following a clean and plant based diet. It takes a lot of effort to not roll my eyes to these suggestions.
  5. My hopes and dreams will change. Unlike most healthy twenty-somethings, I don’t dream of traveling the world or getting a promotion or having an amazing holiday. My hopes are simple: to stay out of hospital and for my other sick friends to be as okay as possible.
  6. I can never have too many books. At the beginning of the year, I set myself the challenge of reading 52 books over 2018. This is one thing that I succeeded with and my book collection is slightly growing out of control.
  7. It’s okay not to be okay
  8. I’m allowed to be terrified. This year has thrown many new things at me, that I never expected. My new normal has taken a lot of adjusting to and I’m still not fully there. Having numerous illnesses that can’t be cured and are likely to worsen is scary.
  9. There will still be good days.
  10. I can’t face things alone. I need people to support me, whether they are family, friends or medical professionals. I can’t fight the shit stuff alone.
  11. I have got to pace myself.
  12. I’m allowed to miss being healthy and I’m allowed to be resentful.
  13. As much as I hate it, medication keeps me alive.
  14. Never underestimate the power of a pair of comfy pyjamas.
  15. My body will change and I won’t always be in control of that.
  16. Being as healthy as possible requires work.
  17. Medical professionals who get it are incredible and I need to appreciate them.
  18. I’m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.

I’m hoping more than anything that 2019 is a little bit kinder to me and doesn’t throw any more illnesses at me.

Happy New Year to all, keep fighting and know that you’re not alone.

2018 Favourites

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Well, we’ve made it to the end of 2018: a year which has caused the British population to overdose on Brexit, we had the Beast from the East and the hottest summer in forever. Baby Shark made us want to spoon our eyeballs out and the I’m A Celeb Class of 2018 gave us the ultimate body confidence song, I Like My Bum.

I’ve really enjoyed writing about my monthly favourites, throughout the year, so it only seemed right to reflect on the whole of 2018 and the things that I’ve loved.

Books

My stand-out book of the year has to be I Am Thunder: And I Won’t Keep Quiet by Muhammad Khan. Put simply: this book was amazing, literally the only fault that I could find with it is that it finished too soon. Despite this book again coming under the YA category of fiction, I honestly feel that everyone needs to read it. Muhammad Khan is a teacher in a British secondary school. He is also Muslim and writes about growing up as a British Muslim in the 21st century, having been inspired by media reports of the three Muslim girls who fled east London to join the so-called Islamic State. Since first reading this book in May, I have gone on to re-read it numerous times, each time picking up different aspects of the plot that I hadn’t noticed when reading before. I’m really pleased that Khan is releasing his second book in early 2019.

Another book which I have to mention is We Are Young, the latest book by YA author, Cat Clarke. Having only discovered Cat Clarke this year, I very quickly made my way through all of her books and it is a close call between We Are Young and Girlhood over my favourite Cat Clarke book. We Are Young was emotional, raw, powerful…I could continue. What I loved most was that Cat writes about mental health in such a sensitive yet balanced manner. She doesn’t sugar-coat how difficult being a teenager can be and We Are Young also touches on the government cuts to mental health services and youth services and how this impacts on the most vulnerable in society. I can’t wait until Cat’s next book is out. No pressure Cat!

A book that hasn’t featured in any of my previous monthly favourites posts is Vox by Christina Dalcher. This book was extraordinary, so much so that I read it in one sitting. It’s very unlike any books that I normally read, but I was drawn to it because of the linguistic and neurolinguistic element in it. In dystopian USA, women and girls are limited to speaking only one hundred words a day. This is measured by a word counter which is fitted to their wrists, speaking over one hundred words means that the bracelet emits an electric shock, which then intensifies. Think 1984, with a neurolinguistic twist, I really loved it.

Films/TV

Like most of the British population, I was obsessed with Love Island and still feel that there is a hole in my life, come 9pm, as it’s not on TV to watch. Despite this, however, I will fully admit that Love Island is not a healthy representation on society and it highlights many issues, with how women are viewed and treated. I wrote a blog post about The Problems With Love Island, where I talked about being a feminist and if watching Love Island makes me a bad feminist. I don’t necessarily agree with the behaviours shown by some of the people in the villa, but Love Island was a winner for some summer evening TV viewing and I will be remaining loyal, babe to it.

Obviously I can’t write about my yearly favourites without mentioning Strictly Come Dancing. As always, I have loved loved loved this series, especially with the added controversy and drama. Stacey and Kevin were well deserved winners, having had the SCD journey, with Stacey going from complete novice to a talented dancer.

My stand-out TV programme of the year has to the The Bodyguard. Being a huge fan of Line of Duty, also written by Jed Mercurio, I had high expectations of this series and I was not disappointed. It. Was. So. Good. Although not to be watched in the middle of the night when you’re home alone. The twist in the final episode was outstanding…is Julia alive or not?! Roll on series two.

As for films, the ones I’ve loved the most are Ladybird, Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again and Wonder. 2019 is looking good in terms of film releases and I’m especially looking forward to Toy Story 4 and Lion King.

Spoonie Favourites

The Body Shop has to have a mention here, as their skin care has (mostly) kept my skin in reasonable condition, when I haven’t felt eel enough to properly look after it. A lot of the time, I don’t have the energy to spend ages and ages doing my makeup or having a long beauty regime, but at the same time, I don’t want to get into a downward spiral of not making any effort. Products which deserve a mention are: Tea Tree Anti-Imperfection Night Mask is specifically formulated to care for blemishes and imperfections whilst you sleep and the hydrating face mists which saved my skin from heat induced sweats over the summer.

Another spoonie favourite from this is Tesco jeans. Okay, stay with me on this one. I have really short legs – being just over 5ft is a bit of a curse in that sense – so I find buying jeans a very painful process. Once I find a brand that I like, that’s it, I’m on a convert and buy all the jeans in different colours (I say different colours and I mean dark blue and black). They are so comfy, they fit perfectly, with a slight stretch which is perfect for when my hips and knees swell up, or when I’m bloated. Plus, they are so much cheaper than my usual Jack Wills/Oasis/Top Shop jeans and they wash well as well, which is always a bonus. I’ve lived in Tesco jeans, since discovering them earlier in the year and I’m so impressed by the longevity of them. They’ve faded slightly but for the most part, they still look as good as when I first bought them.

This year, I invested in a memory foam pillow. Where has this been all of my life? Thanks to EDS, I have endless issues with my back, neck and ribs and need a pillow which offers support and it fairly firm, to support my wonky bits. It hasn’t completely resolved the issues, but being able to sleep with my neck and shoulders getting more support has made a difference.

Since I was a teenager, I have struggled to varying degrees with stretch marks. Oh I know, the glamour, but I’m nothing if not honest. Skin issues go hand in hand with EDS, so I’m always going to be more prone to the little buggers and I know that so many people also have stretch marks. But that doesn’t change how they make me feel and how much they knock my confidence. After using a combination of bio oil and Palmer’s Cocoa  Butter and not noticing any difference, I did some research and came across Udderly Gorgeous Stretch Mark Oil by Cowshed. Whilst it was developed with pregnancy in mind, it has also had a good write up in improving stretch marks in general. It smells so much better than bio-oil, is less greasy and is absorbed more quickly. It hasn’t got rid of my stretch marks (that would be asking for a miracle) but they have improved: they aren’t as red or deep.

 

Odds and Sods

My first Odds and Sods yearly favourite overlaps with Spoonie Favourites. Last year, I stumbled across Spoonie_Village on Instagram. Run by the lovely Hayley, there is also an etsy shop, where you can buy all sorts of spoonie related items such as postcards, stickers, notebooks and calendars. I honestly can’t praise Hayley enough, her illustrations have made me smile during some really dark times this year and I can’t wait to see what 2019 brings.

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Over the summer, I was well enough to travel up to York, where I spent the best three years at uni, to catch up with old friends an lecturers. York itself is a beautiful city, with individual and unique shops that I could happily spend way too much money in. I’m able to look back on my week in York and remind myself that 2018 hasn’t been all bad, and I’m very lucky to have such supportive friends, dragging me through the tough bits.

My final favourite is the general blogging community over on Facebook and Instgram. Through this community, I have met so many like-minded people, learnt how to develop my blog and writing for an audience and had the space to talk about content and what people want to read about. Big thanks to the people who give up their time to facilitate the groups which allow this to happen, especially Amy, Pippa and Jenna.

 

 

 

 

This Is Not Consent

Unless you’ve been living under a rock over the past few weeks then you will have heard about how a girl’s underwear was used as evidence in court, during a rape case. In the trial, the defence lawyer told the jury “you have to look at the way she was dressed. She was wearing a thong with a lace front.”

The 27-year-old man was found not guilty of rape shortly afterwards.

This case then led to a series of protests about how wearing a certain type of underwear does not equal giving consent.

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As a teenager, I was sexually assaulted. If you want all the explicit details about what happened, then you’re in the wrong place, because this is not the place to share them. I find it hard to speak openly about what happened, I have spent years blaming myself and analysing events, trying to work out how it happened and what I could have done differently.

But here’s the thing: I did not consent and just to make it really clear, my underwear did not consent on my behalf. When I was at university, someone said to me that I needed to consider how my behaviour and actions and what I was wearing will have encouraged him. That broke me and it was confirmation of everything that I had tormented myself with. However, I’m now at a point whereby I can recognise that my clothing did not play a part in what happened, I was wearing jeans and a jumper and even if I had been wearing a short skirt or a top showing my cleavage, that would not have been consent either.

Likewise, I know that my behaviour did nothing to encourage him. But again, had I been performing a strip tease and then changed my mind and firmly said “no” my behaviour still wouldn’t be consent.

I was not drunk. I had not been taking drugs. I was stone cold sober, fully aware of my surroundings and I was not wearing a thong. Using the argument that someone is wearing a thong and is therefore consenting completely bypasses the fact that you can’t see a person’s underwear until their clothing has been removed.

Some people would like to think sexual assault is just a result of miscommunication, especially if the victim has some tie to the perpetrator and believe the perpetrator to be incapable of doing such a thing. Let’s put it very simply: unless a person clearly says “yes” to any form of sexual contact then you can’t assume and go ahead with sexual acts.

Likewise, asking a person if they were under the influence of alcohol doesn’t then mean that the assault was justified. By asking if someone was drunk, you’re asking if they were openly making themselves more vulnerable and therefore “asking for it.”

Anyone who has experienced a sexual assault knows how damaging victim blaming can be. Being asked what you were wearing or how you were behaving or even worse, why you didn’t fight back is so harmful. Only last month, women in London were being warned not to wear headphones or use mobile phones because of a number of sexual assaults. Yes, you need to be aware of your personal safety, regardless of gender and sexuality, but the only people who are responsible for sexual assaults are the perpetrators. Headphones don’t rape women, nor do their outfits or undwear or dark streets or clubs or alcohol and drugs or parties.

Don’t get me wrong, the people are carry out sexual assaults are in a minority and it is not a case of all men are bad. Women can also be perpetrators but we don’t see men being warned against wearing headphones. The reason that rape culture remains such as issues in the 21st century is because rape is still prevalent and sexual violence is normalised and excused in the media and popular culture: a women’s underwear being used as evidence in court is a perfect example of this. Women’s rights and safety are being disregarded by the very people who are meant to protect.

Women’s rights are human rights, and the blame has got to be shifted from women who suffer sexualised violence  or assaults to men who inflict it upon them. People are told that they wouldn’t have been attacked on the street if they weren’t walking alone, almost as if it was an inevitable event. That isn’t okay.

In the years since I was sexually assaulted, I have swung from blaming myself to being able to acknowledge that it was not my fault and then back again. Sometimes I feel utterly repulsed by myself, other times I feel repulsed by him. I’ve spent years in counselling and therapy, trying to come to terms with what happened. I can talk about the facts, but not the emotional side of events. But the thing is: I did not say yes and fundamentally, that was not respected.

October Favourites

Ah it’s now officially autumn, my favourite season! This month has been pretty busy, by my spoonie standards, but I’ve still found plenty of time to curl up on the sofa, with my duvet and the fire burning, being a proper little hermit.

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Keep reading to find out what I’ve been loving this month.

Books

Only one book recommendation this month, as I’ve been slacking a bit with reading. I also haven’t had as much spare income, so I’m having a bit of a break from buying books. Sob. I went back to my childhood by reading My Mum, Tracy Beaker by the one and only Jacqueline Wilson.  As a child, I loved Jacqueline Wilson books, although unfortunately, as an adult, I loved this book a little less. I enjoyed the idea of Tracy Beaker returning, with a child, but Tracy is yet to grow up and behave like you would expect an adult to behave. I can’t comment on other books by Wilson as it’s been so long since I have read them, but it took a long time to fully get into the plot. That said, there are strong messages around happiness, money and family values and I love that the book explores relationships outside of the traditional hetro-sexual ones normally seen in children’s books.

Film/TV

The arrival of autumn means that all the good TV series are back and this year has not disappointed. Strictly Come Dancing continues to sparkle on Saturday evenings, with the added controversy of Seann and Katya and That Kiss.

Outside of the world of glitter and sequins, October saw the start of series 14 of The Apprentice. I’ve only been a hardcore fan of The Apprentice for the past few years and always worry that the series will burn out and become repetitive but thus far, this series seems to be pretty strong, with the usual mix of good business ideas and crazy levels of arrogance.

The BBC is excelling itself in new dramas at the moment, including Killing Eve and The Informer. Killing Eve has been a real wow of a series, with a strong female cast, seeing Jodie Comer take on the role of a sociopathic serial assassin, being hunted and investigated by Sandra Oh. In a series full of twists, these two fierce women, both equally obsessed with each other, go head to head in an epic game of cat and mouse, toppling the typical spy-action thriller, which we are used to seeing on our screens.

Spoonie Favourites

Over the past few months, I have been struggling more and more with pain. I am reluctant to increase any of my opiate medication anymore than I already have done, which has led to me exploring other pain relief options. So, today I had my second acupuncture session, to see if this can help with some of the pain and/or symptoms of gastroparesis. I’m yet to feel any benefits from it and if I’m honest, the sessions have left me feeling a little odd, thanks to a combination of losing sensation in my hands and feeling very spaced out, which I’m told is normal and should lessen as the sessions continue. But I am finding the overall experience relaxing which I guess is half the idea.

It’s no secret that I love pyjamas, I probably have more pyjamas than I do real clothes and I am totally okay with that. One of the best things about the change in season is new pyjamas and I am loving the pyjamas in White Stuff. They are so soft and cosy the the Midnight Bloom bottoms are my new favourite pyjamas.

Odds and Sods

At the very beginning of the month, I stayed with a close friend, who lives in London and went to the theatre to see Everybody’s Talking About Jamie, It was outstanding and possibly one of the best shows I’ve ever seen on stage. Based on the BBC3 documentary, Everybody’s Talking About Jamie follows teenagers Jamie New achieve his dream of becoming a drag queen and going to his school prom dressed as a drag queen. With themes such as prejudice, bullying, family relationships, race and culture, this musical could not be any more relevant for a 21st century audience. It is funny, raw, a little bit fabulous and very sassy. I walked out at the end wanting to see it all over again.

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