I’ve made no secret about the fact that 2018 was a pretty rubbish year for me. I entered the year unwell and was diagnosed with gastroparesis and Addison’s Disease, as well as my body having the usual EDS related wobbles and issues. The idea of making resolutions at the start of the year is a bit of an alien concept to me, I’ve never really done it because I never saw the point. If I want to do something, I’ll do it and I won’t wait until a new year to make changes.
So why I decided to make resolutions at the start of 2018 I do not know. Realising that I had failed with two thirds of my resolutions made me feel miserable. Okay so I managed to read at least 52 books over the year but I didn’t buy my own house and I didn’t make progress with my new job because I had to turn said job down because I wasn’t well enough to work. Honestly, I feel like I’ve failed as a person, not just failed at resolutions.
I’ve learnt an important lesson here. You have absolutely no idea what is ahead of you in life. Things happen, both good and bad. Whilst I talk about the negatives about 2018, I need to remember that there were good parts and I learnt a lot thanks to the bad times. I made some incredible friends over the year, visited new places, won against the broken universal credit system and most importantly, I survived. And I read a lot of books.
As well as learning the important lesson of not being able to predict the future, I’ve also learnt that really, the only thing that I need to do is to be kinder to myself. I still have aims and ambitions, but they don’t matter as much as I thought they did. There’s literally zero point in beating myself up for things that are out of my control. No one asks to be unwell and we all face our own struggles in life.
My aims for 2019 are varied. First and foremost, I want to have a better understanding over the illnesses that I have. I’m still learning what I can and can’t do, so naturally I make mistakes. I want to be as physically fit and healthy as possible: I know that I experience fewer EDS symptoms when I exercise, so when possible I’d like to go swimming, go for walks and do strengthening exercises at home. I’m never going to run a marathon but by the end of the year, I’d like to be able to comfortably run 5km. Running isn’t something that comes naturally to me. In fact, I hate it. I would use any excuse under the sun to avoid cross country at school and I fail to understand why people run for fun. But I still want to be able to test and push my body; running 5km isn’t a challenge for some people but it will be for me.
I’d also like to write more over the coming year. I was incredibly lucky to have some amazing writing opportunities last year and I’d like to put together a mini portfolio of what I’ve written about and how I have written for. Writing opportunities are hard to find, especially when you’re freelance so I need to make a real effort in getting out there and finding them, instead of waiting for them to come to me.
As well as hopefully doing more freelance writing, I think that I’d like to write a book. People have been saying to me for a long time that I should use my experiences and write a book, but fear and impostor syndrome has put me off. By publicly saying that I think that this year is the time to actually start putting pen to paper (or fingers to keypad) I’ll be held accountable and can’t hide away from something that I would potentially be good at. If nothing else, I should probably try and utilise my linguistics degree.
Finally, I would like to develop and stick to a more structured routine. I know that being out of a routine and having endless amounts of free time is really bad for my mental health, although I’ve coped miraculously well not working. Having something planned every day simply isn’t realistic for me at the moment, but I would like to try and implement leaving the house every other day, even if it’s just for a short walk and getting some fresh air. The nature of being unwell means that I need a lot of sleep however I want to be stricter with myself and try and sleep less during the day, unless it’s absolutely necessary, and use other rooms in the house more and keep my room for sleeping. The temptation of going up to my room to watch a film and then drifting off to sleep is strong and it’s a habit that I need to break.
If I stick to and achieve these goals then that’s great. If not, that’s okay. Life is an unpredictable bastard and I’m not going to be hung up over ambitions not being achieved when life is kicking me down!